To face My Fears…
I remained at that corner for some minutes, pondering on the right approach to tell her. My brain was furiously working to select the right words that would really convey my feelings to her. By the time I got back to the picnic, people had started to disperse. Only a few classmates remained, still discussing one thing or the other. I looked around for Sewa. She was standing with two of her friends beside the swings. I walked up to her.
“Sewa”, I called.
She looked towards my direction.
“Please tell me when you are ready to leave”, I said.
“Why?” She asked, grimacing.
“I would like to discuss something with you.” I answered immediately.
She looked up at me and searched my eyes for some seconds. I tried to look as passive as I could be.
“Discuss something with me?” She eventually asked, smiling suspiciously “Is it very important?”
“Yes”, I answered gravely, staring into her face.
“Alright…actually, I’m about to leave now. The picnic is over now.” She said, staring back unflinchingly.
“Okay. Please wait, let me go and get my camera bag.”
“Alright”, She replied, “Please be fast about it. It’s getting late.”
I turned around and walked to the shed where the picnic held. While I was searching for my camera bag, a thought nagged at the corner of my mind that she knew what I wanted to discuss with her, but I ignored it. I found the bag, picked it up and walked back to where she was standing, waiting for me. Her friends had left her already.
“Alright, I’m ready”, I said, as soon as I was standing in front of her, “Shall we?” I asked, gesturing towards the grassy road.
“Okay”, She replied and we started to walk towards the garden gate.
Wetting the Ground
I started the conversation when we were a few yards away from the garden.
“How are you?” I began.
“Fine…” She replied, “And You?” She asked.
“I’m fine too.” I answered, “How’s everyone at home?” I asked again.
“They are all fine”, She replied, playing along, “In fact, I still spoke with daddy this morning.”
“Oh! That’s good to hear.” I said.
“Yes”, She said simply.
I knew she was waiting for me to go straight to the point of the discussion. However, right inside my mind, a fierce “Word” war was going on.
It took me up to thirty seconds before I could gather enough courage to speak.
“Adesewa”, I called, clearing my suddenly-filled throat.
“Yes Ramon. I’m listening” She replied.
“You once told me that you are waiting for the right guy; that you don’t want to rush into any romantic relationship.” I stated, but I meant it to be a question.
“Yes”, She replied, taking the cue.
“Fine…” I said and paused a little bit before I continued, “…but have you ever thought of this possibility?” I asked her, “What if the kind of guy you are waiting for is around you and you don’t know it? What if the kind of love you desire is in the “background”, unnoticed, and waiting for you to discover it and yet, you are unaware.” I said.
Things took another Turn
She was silent for some seconds before she sighed lightly.
“Tell me what is on your mind, Ramon.” She said unexpectedly.
I looked up at her slowly. She was staring at me, a knowing smile playing on her lips.
“What is on my mind?” I asked, feigning ignorance.
“Yes”, She replied, smiling broadly, “Tell me exactly what you have on your mind.”
I gazed at her for almost a minute. The brilliant glint in her eyes and the knowing smile on her face told me just me thing – She knew!
“Well…” I began, “I’m very sure you know what I want to say. I am also sure you already have an answer even without asking you and…”
“It doesn’t matter”, She said, “Say it first!”
…and Courage slipped away
I continued to gaze at her. The smile on her face was fading away, but she was staring back at me with a look that resembled that of amusement. Right then, I got so convinced that she was going to say “No”. Common-sense told me that there was no way she was ever going to agree to date me – a Muslim. At that moment, I was so sure that it was all going to be a waste of words and time.
“See…” I eventually said, making up my mind, “Don’t worry. It is not necessary.”
The look on her face shifted from that of pure amusement to that of an amused surprise.
“Ah-ah!” She exclaimed, “But you told me you wanted to say something important.” She queried.
“Yeah, I know”, I answered, “And I don’t think it is necessary any longer.” I said, looking away from her.
“At least, say it”, She said, looking serious, “Let me be the judge of that…”
“Sewa, don’t worry. Seriously, it is not that important again.” I replied.
“If you say so.” She said, shrugging.
I looked at my wristwatch. It was 8:15pm.
“It’s late already”, I said, “Let’s walk faster.”
A glimpse of Love’s Hell
When I got back to my hall of residence that night, I was almost ready to beat myself up. Toheeb entered my room as soon as I got inside and complicated the situation.
“You told her?” He asked, as soon as he saw me, ignoring my greetings.
I merely shook my head slowly.
“Why?” He asked. An incredulous look dominated his face instantly.
“I really don’t know”, I replied, “I just couldn’t tell her.”
He looked at me with pure contempt for some seconds before he spoke.
“You are a hopeless coward!” He said, hissing and he walked out of the room, banging the door violently.
At that moment, I really felt like beating myself up, and that feeling was to last throughout the vacation. I slumped on the bed, tears of frustration coursing a path down my cheeks.
I am in love with a Church girl. I do not know how to tell her. I do not know what to do.
To “Friend-Zone” and beyond…
The vacation was soon over and I was sincerely glad that it was. I was almost drowned in the feelings of guilt and failure that horded over me stubbornly throughout the vacation. I actually dreaded meeting Sewa, after what had transpired between us in the previous semester. However, the dread was practically useless, because when I got to see her, she behaved as if nothing happened. It was as if we never had the conversation. She made everything seem so normal that I was almost forced to think that the conversation was a mere figment of my poor imagination. I knew I had been “friend-zoned”, but I also knew there was absolutely nothing I could do about it.
I accepted my fate and role as a friend and probably in the seemingly not-so-distant future, a “Brother”. I was contented with being “just friends” with her, but it seemed Fate had other plans for me.
To put my mind off her, I immersed myself in my business and academics. I was actually succeeding in repressing these memories and thoughts of her that roam about my mind, when I noticed some new developments.
Sewa had started to invade my dreams!
…and the Dreams began…
The first time I had a dream about her, I could not really recollect the details of the dream. But, I was not to wait for too long. Two days after that day, I had the same dream. It was so vivid that I almost thought it was real.
In my dream, I made a deal-like contract with a famous photographer. My business, Primus Media, was already blooming in the dream. I had a large crew and Sewa was my personal assistant. The deal went off well and it was so successful that my crew members and I decided to have a cocktail party to celebrate our success. At the cocktail party, all the crew members were together, discussing noisily, while Sewa and I sat together at a table in a corner a little bit far away from them, chatting intimately. The chat got to a very romantic stage and our faces were moving close to each other, for an inevitable kiss, when at the last moment, the lightening man rushed at us, holding out his hands to separate us. I looked into the face of the lightening man and discovered, with numbing shock, that it was MacDarLor’D. At that point, I woke up. After that day, I continued to have the same dream almost every two days.
Frustration sets in
As the dream repeated itself over time, my initial amusement and pleasure turned to frustration and anger. “What is the use of dreaming about something that would never be yours?” I thought.
At first, I thought Sewa was probably dating MacDarLor’D. However, after a series of serious underground information digging, I found out that the closest thing to an intimate relationship that Mac was ever going to have with any lady, not to talk of Sewa, was a symbiotic academic friendship.
I forced myself to stop thinking about the girl. I even tried as much as possible to avoid direct encounters with her. Yet, the haunting dreams did not stop.
It’s time to make a Decision!
So, here is it guys…
The time has come for me to make a decision I should have made a long time ago.
I am in love with a Church girl, but I know it is just not possible for us to be together. I have decided to set my mind free of her, yet, she will not stop dominating my dreams.
I still love Adesewa, but how do I convince her of my unbiased love?
How do I get her to realise that Religion and several other factors does not matter, when love is true?
Fine! Even if I will not be able to convince her of my love, how do I get rid of her from my mind, and most importantly, my dreams?
Please, heed the cries of a helpless man, thrashing wildly and drowning in the ocean of a frustratingly impossible love…